Kim Jong-il Read My Blog. Kim Jong-un Wants to Kill Me.

Kim Jong-il sharing my blog with fellow North Koreans. (Not really.)
Kim Jong-il sharing my blog with fellow North Koreans. (Not really.)

In high school and the first few years of university, I wrote a semi-popular political blog. Early on, I discovered how to use StatCounter to track the hits on my website. (I’m not being paid to say this, but StatCounter is amazing. It lets you see the most recent 500 visitors to your website just by installing a simple little script. It’s very useful and very easy to use.) StatCounter very helpfully provides IP addresses, the visitor’s city and country, and the visitor’s ISP when you login. So one day, I logged in and saw a few hits from North Korea. I don’t remember exactly how this user was identified – I think the IP address may have been from China, but the ISP was listed as North Korea Telecom or something like that – but I thought it was amusing. Later on I learned that only the elite in North Korea have internet access to the rest of the world, and so I came to the conclusion that Kim Jong-il himself read my blog.

Kim Jong-un's attack plan for the US: DC, LA, and Austin, TX.
Kim Jong-un’s attack plan for the US: DC, LA, and Austin, TX. Also, can you feel the irony of using a Google map here, considering that North Korea considers us to be evil capitalists and enemies of the ways of Marxism.

Then Kim Jong-il died. I stopped writing that blog and started writing this one. And Kim Jong-il’s evil son took over and started freaking the world out by threatening to bomb everyone. (And by everyone, I mean South Korea and the United States. Even people who don’t follow the news must have heard of this by now.) Kim Jong-un says he wants to attack certain US cities, including Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, and, inexplicably, Austin, Texas. (Okay, so there are doubts about whether Austin is on the list or not. But still, it looks like it’s on Kim Jong-un’s hit list judging by that map.) In case you didn’t know, I’m moving to Austin later this year.

I can understand why Washington, D.C. and Los Angeles are on the list (obviously I don’t approve of bombing cities, but it’s not hard to figure out why an enemy of the US would want to attack both the capital and the second most populous city in this country). But why Austin? My theory is he’s jealous that so many awesome things happen in Austin, so therefore it must be destroyed.

Or maybe his late father spent so much time reading my blog that he had no time to spend with his son, and this is his son’s way of taking revenge. Totally true, am I right?

Note: even though I’ve tagged this post satire, I really did have a North Korean visitor on my old blog.

(Kim Jong-il photo from here. Kim Jong-un’s map from here.)

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