If Putin Wants Sweden, Let Him Have It!

So, you may have heard of the mysterious, probably Russian submarine that’s roaming around Swedish waters (to the extent that a submarine can roam, of course). RFE/RL says:

The Russian Defense Ministry said in a statement that “there have been no irregular situations and, even less so, accidents involving Russian naval vessels.”

But the respected Swedish daily “Svenska Dagbladet” has reported that a damaged Russian submarine is at the center of a search by Swedish boats, troops, and helicopters for an unidentified submarine that began on October 17.

The newspaper says the Swedish military had intercepted a distress signal in Russian that was sent to a naval base at the Baltic seaport in Kaliningrad.

The Swedish military has refused to comment on the newspaper’s reports.

Putin's interlocutor, Sergei Ivanov, currently Chief of Staff for the presidential administration.
Putin’s interlocutor, Sergei Ivanov, currently Chief of Staff for the presidential administration.

Now, the title of the post is supposed to be a joke—a joke, I repeat, so don’t leave me indignant comments about me being a lawless Russian imperialist. I’m just having a very fun time imagining the conversations taking place in the Kremlin about this incident. Here’s the scene:

President Putin paces in his office. Sergei Ivanov, a fellow ex-KGB man, but one who is more cautious (and possibly cleverer) than Putin, urges restraint.

Putin: How dare they accuse us of having a submarine there! As if we would ever want Sweden.

Ivanov: But Vladimir Vladimirovich, we do have a submarine in Swedish waters.

Putin: Never mind that! Do those stupid Swedes remember what happened after they tangled with us? It may have been in the eighteenth century, but we trounced them! And remember the Battle of Poltava?

Ivanov: Mr. President, they probably don’t remember that.

Putin: If we invaded Sweden, they’d capitulate in a day! Or even less!

Ivanov: That may be so, but it would be unwise to invade Sweden, as it is an EU member.

Putin: The EU? Tell me, Seryozha, how many divisions has the EU? None, of course!

Ivanov: As true as that may be, it still would be unwise.

Putin stomps out of office to chew out Viktor Chirkin, commander-in-chief of the Russian Navy, leaving bewildered Ivanov behind.

Like it? I totally should be a playwright, right?

On a more serious note, Russia certainly has been engaging in more and more military provocations. Smart countries and their intelligence agencies ought to keep an eye on this.

The first commenter who finds the veiled Stalin reference in my little Putin scene wins… something. I’m not sure what, but I’d like to think my reference is well-concealed, so anyone who spots it has my respect.

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