Sometimes, if I’m feeling in a certain frame of mind, I’ll go check out the forum on Kboards.com. Kboards, in case you aren’t familiar, is a forum that sprang up after Amazon invented the Kindle and set up a way for people to directly upload their content to Amazon’s site in order to sell to Kindle users. The forum is for self-publishers/indie publishers/whatever they’re calling themselves nowadays. (Sometimes people who upload their works to Amazon and other self-publishing websites get really annoyed when you call them self-publishers. They want to be called indie publishers instead. And I’m not trying to knock self-publishing, because I think it has its place and I’m considering self-publishing a book so obviously I’m not against it, but let’s not kid ourselves. If you upload your work yourself to Amazon/iBooks/Smashwords/whatever, you’re self-publishing. Let’s not mince words.)

Anyway, Kboards is full of fascinating posts. A lot of them are from people asking advice of how to market their book, or find a cover designer, or how to solve common technical problems while uploading to Amazon. All normal, run-of-the-mill stuff. Occasionally, though, you can find a post that is pure gold. Here’s this one from October (a friend shared it on Twitter back in December and the link has been sitting on my iPhone ever since because I kept forgetting to write about it). It’s called Writing 100,000 Words A Week (+Update: Becoming A No.1 International Bestseller). It is so absurd, I almost think someone made it up just to have a laugh at all of us reading it. Anyway, here are some choice excerpts from this forum thread, with my commentary interspersed.

The original poster, i.e. the person who started the topic (and therefore gave it that ridiculous title) is named Cael. So here’s a summary what she wrote to start off with: she started writing a lot (like thousands of words per day) and realized you have to be consistent. All very true, in my experience. My writing works out a lot better if I do it as often as I can. Obviously you have to be fully focused while writing—no random internet browsing, social media, etc. The poster says this and I agree.

Here’s where we come to the objectionable part: she claims she wrote 100,000 words in a week. A week, people. Now, I know not everyone “speaks” word count the way we writers do. In publishing, they usually say there are 250-300 words per printed page, which means she says she wrote 330-400 pages. In a week. Length-wise, 100,000 words is a full novel. And she claims she did this in a mere seven days.

Leaving aside the fact that you still have to edit all those words once you finish, that words out to 14,285 words per day. I don’t see how a person could physically type that much. I typed 5,000 words in a day once while working on an old project and my hands were killing me afterwards. I then realized I didn’t want to destroy my poor hands and fingers, so ever since then I’ve just aimed for consistent writing every day. I don’t manage to write every single day, but it’s pretty close. 14,000 words in one day would destroy your hands. Doing it for seven days straight would probably do irreparable damage.

“Ah, my dear Natasha,” you’re saying, “what if she isn’t actually typing? What if she’s using that clever dictation software they have nowadays?” I admit, that was one of my thoughts, too. She does mention using dictation in some instances, so it seems like she’s using a combination of both. But still, even a combination of writing and dictation to produce 14,000 words per day just doesn’t sound good or feasible in the long run. I actually have no idea how many words I speak aloud per day (because who goes around counting that sort of thing?), but I’m guessing it’s a lot less than 14,000.

Anyway, let’s take this at face value and assume she truly did write 100,000 words in a week. What did she do next, you ask? Surely she went back, read her story, made some notes of things to edit (because, let’s face it, we all make mistakes in our first drafts and don’t even realize it until later), and then commenced editing. Nope! As logical as that assumption is, it is wrong. She slapped the whole mess up onto Kindle, commissioned a cover (which even I have to admit is nice—it’s probably the only nice part of the book), and voila! She’s a “published author!” And now she’s an “international bestseller” too!

Yep, an international bestseller with a grand total of 17 reviews on Goodreads and 9 reviews on Amazon. I hate to tell you, but a true “bestseller” has a heck of a lot more ratings than that. Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the book industry can tell you that. And I’m not saying self-published books can’t be bestsellers—because they can! There’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is putting this word vomit up for sale and calling it an international bestseller.

Sigh. I need to stop getting so worked up about this. After all, it looks like the free market has spoken: she put her book up and most people have chosen not to read it (as evidenced by the very low review rate). Now you know why I stopped downloading self-published Kindle books. Ninety-nine percent of them are like this. I have encountered good ones here and there, but they have become more and more difficult to find because rubbish like this clogs up the searches. I’m so thankful for the library system where I live because it allows me to read decent books for free.

And now you know why I do not frequent Kboards very often! Threads like this one are enough to make your head explode!

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